Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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