Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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