1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm lost and stupid without you.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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