Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
