please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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