Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
