I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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