The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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