You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
