Jerry, you need to find god
from now on my penis is your penis
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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