i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
