if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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