my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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