im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize