Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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