She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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