I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
a search helicopter?!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
