I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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