My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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