I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
