Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Shame is for Republicans.
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