Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
