I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
