we have pet lesbian snakes
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I still have a little drunk in my system
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
