Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
