How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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