soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Someone stole a lamp last night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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