I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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