haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
