I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
