I have demons in me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
