During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
