my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it's great music for shaving your balls
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
