I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He passed out mid-signature
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
