we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
