If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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