Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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