she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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