There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
