is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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