I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
