My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
