Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
