I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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