3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
