theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
