he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
