I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
