I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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