My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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