I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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