im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize