I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
