So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
