dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
When are your genitals available?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
