it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
